Energy of Confusion and Hope

When nothing good has happened in a while, does that mean something great is about to happen?

When God closes a door, he opens a window?

It’s so terribly hard to look on the bright side of things when every aspect of life is muted with let down, stress, and depression.

While I am aware of all the good things I have in life, none of them give me a sense of pride or fulfillment.  For every good event there is a lingering bad situation that goes along with it.  It’s reached the point where it feels like my happiness is determined on other people.

When I get asked the question of what will make me happy, I usually don’t know how to respond to that.

I thought I knew.

But then I got told otherwise.

Relationships, religious…life experiences have a tendency to roll out the red carpet for me.  The red carpet leads to a room filled with butterflies and cookies and smiles and laughter and baby goats and happiness.  The red carpet it plush and warm and invites me to take off my shoes and socks.  It feels great.  It’s something I can get used to.  It’s something I’ve been waiting for.  As soon as I take a deep breath and relax its yanked out from underneath me without any notice or reason.

Worst part about it all is that it took my socks and shoes.

So here I am, without socks and shoes, in the epicenter of a winter storm; cold, lonely, confused, and lost.

Why must I only be allowed a taste of happiness?  Why must I know comfort for a brief amount of time?  Why must I embark on this endless ride of darkness and emptiness?

I want to believe so badly it’s because there is something better for me.

I want to believe.

But I don’t have any energy to.

6 thoughts on “Energy of Confusion and Hope

  1. kathleen anne says:

    today is not tomorrow, or even the next day or the day after that. just try one day at a time. things tend to even out, esp. when we least expect them to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Kathleen. Hope is my second favorite word in language. The mystery and unknown of it is both antagonizing and astonishing. It can yield small or big, but it’s what it invokes that makes it powerful: never give up. I hope daily. I hope for anything. I know it will happen as long as I keep my heart open.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sherri Jay says:

    It’s the CYCLE of life. The bad things always try to win. When you’re living in an abundance of happiness, Mr. Bad shows up to give you a flat tire. He wants to knock you over… get you off balance. Jump on your bike and pedal faster! The more you pedal the stronger you’ll be and the better your balance becomes. Fight back! Don’t let that bad boy slash your tires. By the way…you probably wouldn’t even notice the carpet is red without having seen all the other colors around it. 😉

    Like

  3. jdlittlemisssunshine says:

    Having complex PTSD and a minor dissociative disorder, I can get triggered really easily, even when (especially when) all is good. It’s then that I sink hard and fast, and trying to figure out how the rug got pulled out is no good for me. I just have to let my mind and body experience it, and hold on to that thread of hope – that little bit of sunshine I keep somehow – that this is all part of my life, but it is not ALL of my life, and it will pass. And it does. I come back up and out, and I start seeing things again. Someday I’ll know why I had to experience this rollercoaster. Until then, I just get to ‘keep my arms and legs inside, and enjoy the ride’.

    Like

    • Thank you so much for sharing! I think once we get over the initial shock of falling, we can appreciate the good that came from it. Usually it has put us in a temporary spot of beauty, if not but for a mere moment.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s