Karma on a Galactic Scale

I often wonder if depression is the universe’s way of avenging those you’ve hurt.

All the lows and moments of endlessness are a reflection of each of the persons you’ve had impacted negatively on your life.  Then I think that there is no way I have hurt this many people.

What a presumptuous thing for me to think.  Just like my own depression, everyone deals with problems and levels of strife differently.  I am no one to judge how someone was affected no more than anyone else has the right to say how I should react.

Reflecting back on all the relationships that I’ve had and measuring up them against my own sadness I feel, I can see how it’s about even.

This is, naturally, creating a new level to the bottom of my pit of despair of how much I feel I am worthless.  I deserve this, I think to myself.

If I just stop talking to people, I wouldn’t hurt them.  If I was alone, I wouldn’t have anyone to hurt.  If I didn’t exist I wouldn’t have had a chance to make anyone sad.

Then maybe I would be happy.  If I didn’t exist…I would be happy.

Before I dwell on this too much, I am reminded of all the good I do everyday.  How every single customer I work with leaves with a smile.  How I can relate to people and withhold judgement and allow themselves to be comfortable with themselves.

So where is the disconnect?

Maybe it’s not this life that the karma bites but a previous life.  I previous life where I was a serial killer and every moment of low I feel today is a life that I took.  Maybe every moment of anxiety I feel is a loved ones panic with their significant other has been missing for days.

Let’s take this in a different approach…

Maybe those of us suffering with depression are destined to be great world leaders. Perhaps we are meant for greatness in a manner of doing God’s work and this overwhelming despair we feel is the threat of the devil himself.  Imagine invoking so much fear into a being, because of your greatness and power of soul, that the devil calls desperately for all his powers to bring us down.  Demons of rage and darkness are constantly pulling us down to keep our sights low, our hearts low, and our spirits low.

When in reality it is the most broken that shine the brightest.  It is us who are the most honest and respectable.  It is us who will mend the world.  For even though we are broken inside, we have the ability to mend the shattered realm around us.

But as depression does…who am I to hold that much power over anyone.

 

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