A Little Anxious Snowflake

It’s different for everyone.  For some it’s a minor nuisance while for others it’s a crippling pain.  Some people can take some medication, others breathe, and others more have therapy.  As humans differ so does anxiety and depression.

For me, anxiety causes an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.  What’s worse is that it’s a general feeling wherein all aspects of life fall into.  Relationships.  Jobs.  Friendships. Hobbies. Parenting. Music Choice. Opinions.  Every single aspect of life is redundant and moot.

The difficulty to talk about ones anxiety rivals the difficulty to explain the color red to someone who’s blind.  How can anyone fathom what something is when the experience is so personal to the person experiencing it.  What is the color red?  What is your anxiety?

Continue reading

My friend, my stranger, my strength.

Stay strong, my friend.

Don’t give up.

You are loved.

There are people that you haven’t met yet that need you.  They need you to be you, and they need you to be strong.

Know that you have friends, family, loved ones, and strangers that don’t want to see you fall.

I pray that you can look through our eyes and see how you are needed.  See through their eyes how important you are.

Everything you have to offer is exactly what others may need.

When you feel short and insignificant, reach out to those around you.  Your weakness is another ones strength to help you through any struggle you have.

Others weaknesses are your strengths that can only be realized through your own.

You are loved.

Don’t give up.

Stay Strong, my friend.

 

A Misconception of Perception

A recent conversation allowed me to enter a state of contemplation.  A previous post I wrote about my desire to be mysterious.  On that same dime, I look at myself and have a skewed perception of myself.  Most of the times that perception is hilarious.  For instance: I have times were I think my thumbs are tiny.  Not just small hands, specifically my thumbs.  Sometimes they are smaller than they should be for the size of my hands.  Usually times during high anxiety is when that self-awareness comes forward.

I have been told many times that I nice hands and when I mention my thumbs are small, the response is usually the same: a laugh and a “No, they are not.”  Naturally though, I don’t believe them but move on nonetheless. Continue reading

Twin Headed Serpent Named: The Past

Day after day we are presented with obstacles that will ultimately define us for who we are now, who we will be, and who we have been.  These obstacles can be as trivial as you make that out to be or as complex as you allow them to be.

My past has never been full of great decisions, but every mistake I have made has been a learned experience.  I developed who I am now by allowing myself to embrace my mistakes and past decisions but not allowing them to define me.  Much reflection and contemplation as to “why” I had made that decision or reacted a certain way has entered into my life.

Just when we think we are on a good path and making strides to beat your demons,your past resurfaces to make a mockery of all you are accomplishing. Continue reading

What Is This Thing We Call Faith?

There are so many controversies and deceit in the world.  It’s hard to decipher what is truth and what is manipulated to further particular parties own agenda.  Never is the full story covered.  One side covers one side, but leaves out details.  Conversely, the same goes with the other side of the story.

The first and most prominent example of this problem is the media and how they portray it to further their own propaganda.  The other biggest example is many religions.  However, religions ask that you go by your faith to believe that they are speaking the truth.

What is faith? Continue reading

The Armor of Righteousness

So many different things are in my head but somehow I am having difficulty getting any of them out.  So many ideas for projects, stories, or just life ambitions. Because they are seemingly trapped in there, I am filled with terrible feelings of self-worth that spirals out of control.  How quickly do the thoughts of “why bother” enter the forefront of my head and be the only thing in there I can decipher.

Even now when I’m just trying to vent and release something I find myself being held up on something irrelevant to my current task.

I think often about what the first councilor of my church stake said: “the advisory will hold back and tempt more, with all his power, those who hold great power over him.”  This thought comes often because of my writing purpose to enhance my own spiritual growth, and to give hope and understanding to those who may be in a similar situation.  With the feeling of worthlessness the devil plays against me, the first councilor’s words also make me feel like I’m being prideful in thinking I’m something special. Continue reading

Filling Our Water Bottle to Fill Buckets of Others

One of the worst feelings in the world to me is feeling like something is wrong but not knowing what it is to fix it or how to explain it.  Many a times I say “I’m sad about stuff” because I have no other way to express how I feel.  It’s not “sadness” in a loss sort of way and it’s not “stuff” in a material sort of way.  I imagine its how a water bottle feels after having its contents consumed…an empty bottle that once had a purpose.

The life of a water bottle starts off as an empty canister made of plastic with a purpose to hold liquids.  Those liquids will then hydrate and keep others well but it remains empty until someone fills it.  Once filled the water bottle has purpose, it has a goal, and it has a clear future.  The water bottle holds nourishment for the one who will partake.  It’s life is good.  But what happens when the water is depleted?  Now it’s just an empty bottle made of plastic.  It’s purpose was used up and now it lies on the ground, kicked under the bench and watching life continue on. Continue reading

Turn the Other Cheek to Even the Score.

What goes around comes around. Karma’s a bitch. They’ll get their just deserts.

All these sayings are focused around a satisfaction of someone’s revenge.  Why do we think revenge will make bad deeds done to us even?  What is the word even, even have to do with this?  The definition of even is to be equal in number, amount, or value.  Curious use of the word value in that definition.

Every single person has different sets of skills and abilities that make us all unique and amazing.  Our unique selves should be used to lift each other up, to support each other, to amplify each others strengths.  Each of us also have different thresholds for trauma, pain, and distress.  Each of our unique thresholds could also be used to bring people down, to put them below you, or to create a sense of insecurity.   Continue reading

Forgive and Forget, but don’t Forget to Forgive.

Miracles happen daily.  They may not happen daily in our lives, but they do in someone’s life.    Miracles can be small, the can be large, and the can indeed be miraculous.  You can believe that doctor’s perform miracles, scientist perform miraculous research, nature births miracles, and prophets of God perform miracles.

In church today a topic was discussed and a new twist of it came forth.  One member spoke of something to be a miracle I have never thought about.

The miracle of forgiveness. Continue reading

Aside

The Masked Flower

People have always thrown the saying “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself” at me.  What a stupid saying that is, I thought.  I love others because they aren’t me.  If I loved myself why would the need to love others be so strong?

I hope you are cringing at that as much as I am now.

What stupid reasoning  I had, I say now.  I started creating a spiral for myself and my ability to maintain a relationship, both romantic and friend based, got swallowed up in the spiral, to suffer deep torment.  I would constantly fill myself with the company of others to try to fill in the gap I felt but couldn’t explain.  Soon the company would feel stagnant to me because the emptiness was still there so I would just…move on.  I would get up and leave. Continue reading