I often wonder if depression is the universe’s way of avenging those you’ve hurt.
All the lows and moments of endlessness are a reflection of each of the persons you’ve had impacted negatively on your life. Then I think that there is no way I have hurt this many people.
What a presumptuous thing for me to think. Just like my own depression, everyone deals with problems and levels of strife differently. I am no one to judge how someone was affected no more than anyone else has the right to say how I should react.
Reflecting back on all the relationships that I’ve had and measuring up them against my own sadness I feel, I can see how it’s about even.
I was just doing a little bit of adulting, folding laundry that has been sitting in the dryer for three days, when a thought occurred to me…
I’m not sorry for being me.
Why should I be sorry?
I realized that I tend to over think situations and even my own feelings. When this over thinking happens I succumb to a darker depression and become unbearable. I tune everything out and shutdown. Nothing, at this point, can snap me out of it. It runs its course and pushing everyone and everything aside.
During this time, especially if I am in a relationship, all I tend to do is apologize. Apologize for something I can’t control. I apologize for being me.
One of the worst feelings in the world to me is feeling like something is wrong but not knowing what it is to fix it or how to explain it. Many a times I say “I’m sad about stuff” because I have no other way to express how I feel. It’s not “sadness” in a loss sort of way and it’s not “stuff” in a material sort of way. I imagine its how a water bottle feels after having its contents consumed…an empty bottle that once had a purpose.
The life of a water bottle starts off as an empty canister made of plastic with a purpose to hold liquids. Those liquids will then hydrate and keep others well but it remains empty until someone fills it. Once filled the water bottle has purpose, it has a goal, and it has a clear future. The water bottle holds nourishment for the one who will partake. It’s life is good. But what happens when the water is depleted? Now it’s just an empty bottle made of plastic. It’s purpose was used up and now it lies on the ground, kicked under the bench and watching life continue on. Continue reading
The thought of depression has been on my mind a lot today. More specifically how other people often react to it. If you ask any person, whether it be friend or family member whose going through depression, they would all say it’s difficult to talk about with others who aren’t. I would pull up a bunch of facts and statistics about depression, but that’s not what I want to write about. Those aren’t the thoughts that have been in my head today. However, imagine all the reports that say something like “3 out of 10 young adults are diagnosed with depression.” The key word is diagnosed…how many people go along their lives just dealing with it because they don’t know any better without getting it diagnosed. I imagine the number will be a lot higher. Continue reading