Swept From Under the Rug.

Self reflection is always a dangerous game to play.  Especially when you don’t let anyone reason with you in order to keep the self-pity and loathing at bay.

As the holidays are upon us, my personal struggle with anxiety and depression becomes even harder.  Retail employment becomes barely manageable and free time gets flooded with decorations, gift wrapping, and small talk with neighbors.

I lay in bed at night and just stare at the ceiling, unable to breathe…mainly because I have bronchitis and retail employment refuses to allow any “personal days” during the blackout months, but that’s a different issue.

As I stare and contemplate life, I find myself just being sad.  Being sad about a great many things, both personal, spiritual, intellectual, physical, etc.   Enters the thought that some people with depression have:

“I don’t have the right to be sad.”

I have a house, clean clothes, food, a job, health insurance, a car, electronics for leisure, multiple pairs of shoes, etc.

Thus a vicious cycle starts.  Why am I sad?  What do I have to be sad about?

A very dear friend of mine said it best :  “Well that’s not a fair thought process…You shouldn’t ever feel guilty for feeling sad.  What you are feeling is just as real as anyone else.”

I’ve always thought that as well, but that’s something that you can’t talk yourself into.  It’s so hard to not feel guilty about being sad when there is more good in your life than bad,

Just remember, if you are feeling sad…it’s ok.  Sadness is very much a part of life that should not be pushed aside.  It’s important to figure out what it is that is making you sad and address that.  I know that’s easier sad than done..”I’m sad about stuff…”

Be sad.

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