A Realization Never Realized

A fresh new aspect of life is introduced to you.  It changes the very thread of your existence.  It commands you and dictates you.  It fills every moment and every thought.  You don’t know where it came from and you don’t care.  Right now it is your everything.

No other song can compare.

No other taste can compete.

No other feeling can surface.

No other.

A fresh new aspect of life is taken away from you.  It left a hole in the very thread of your existence.  It left you stranded and directionless.  Every moment and thought are now desolate.  You don’t know where it went and you care deeply, because it took everything.

Every time this happens you are left with only one question.  One question that no one can answer.  One question that will haunt you until the end of you…

Why am I like this?

A Boy and His Gift

At a very young age, the boy was given a very special gift.  It was very fragile, so he knew he needed to be careful with it.  He kept it on a special shelf, waiting for the perfect tie to share it with someone.

And the boy loved his gift.

When he got a little older he had more opportunity to share his gift. He met someone who he knew would appreciate it.  One day, which he decided was right, he took his gift off the shelf and shared it with his new friend.  His new friend laughed at his special gift.  “Boys shouldn’t have that silly gift.”  Both his new friend, and his new friend’s friends laughed at his special gift.  So the boy ran back home and put the gift back on the shelf and covered it with a blanket.  “No one should see this but me, unless they are special,” he thought.

And the boy loved his gift a little less.

Planning For Consistency

For the past week I have been plagued with the thought of changing myself.  Attempting to make a plan for said thought is exhausting in its own right.  The list of things I want to change versus the list of things that can change is tipped to an unfair advantage against me.  The outcome always looks brighter than the reality.

I have a great life.

At the moment it just isn’t ideal.

And that is the reason I want to change.

There is a huge change coming up but it has been pushed back another year.  Which means this year is going to be rough mentally.  Thus reason for small personal changes.

If I were to jump ahead the year and make that big change in my current state, it would be not as full filling as I hope it to be.  So where can I start?

Vague For The Specific

My dearest You,

Again you’ve made your way into my life, albeit for a short time.  As quickly and unexpectedly as it happened, it is no more.  Despite the short-term of our relationship we had, in whatever form it was, great was the growth that came from it.

You have left a mark on my life far greater than you can imagine.  You have started something, within me that has been in progress for years prior.  You have challenged me in a way that no one could have in the past.

For every memory we have had, I thank you.

My wall I have created around myself has began to crumble, because of you.  Even though my sadness is great, I am filled with hope.  You have torn down my reservations of speaking my mind and expressing my feelings.  You have uplifted me and cleared a path for excellence I had forgotten about.

For every conversation we shared, I thank you.

Because of you, I no longer fear being alone forever.  You have reminded me what it is to love again.  I know that I will again know what it is like to love and to be loved in return, completely and purely.

I hope, with all my heart, that you find the happiness you seek and deserve.  I am excited to imagine the other lives you touch and the happiness you bring to others.  I am thankful for the happiness you brought back into my life during a time where I needed it most.

For every moment we had, I thank you.

I love you.  I hope you know that one day.

Farewell.

Karma on a Galactic Scale

I often wonder if depression is the universe’s way of avenging those you’ve hurt.

All the lows and moments of endlessness are a reflection of each of the persons you’ve had impacted negatively on your life.  Then I think that there is no way I have hurt this many people.

What a presumptuous thing for me to think.  Just like my own depression, everyone deals with problems and levels of strife differently.  I am no one to judge how someone was affected no more than anyone else has the right to say how I should react.

Reflecting back on all the relationships that I’ve had and measuring up them against my own sadness I feel, I can see how it’s about even.

To Human Is To Be Human

“I have severe anti-social disorder and depression.”

“Why the hell are you working in retail?”

Forced social interaction.  Isolation is not a good idea.

It’s true I have chosen a very peculiar line of professions to survive.  With all my pet peeves about society and people in general, my sensitivity to just about everything, and my ‘your invading my bubble by breathing’ attitude; retail is not what I should be doing.

But I’m damn good at it.

Never Apologize For Being You

I was just doing a little bit of adulting, folding laundry that has been sitting in the dryer for three days, when a thought occurred to me…

I’m not sorry for being me.

Why should I be sorry?

I realized that I tend to over think situations and even my own feelings.  When this over thinking happens I succumb to a darker depression and become unbearable.  I tune everything out and shutdown.  Nothing, at this point, can snap me out of it.  It runs its course and pushing everyone and everything aside.

During this time, especially if I am in a relationship, all I tend to do is apologize.  Apologize for something I can’t control.  I apologize for being me.

Energy of Confusion and Hope

When nothing good has happened in a while, does that mean something great is about to happen?

When God closes a door, he opens a window?

It’s so terribly hard to look on the bright side of things when every aspect of life is muted with let down, stress, and depression.

While I am aware of all the good things I have in life, none of them give me a sense of pride or fulfillment.  For every good event there is a lingering bad situation that goes along with it.  It’s reached the point where it feels like my happiness is determined on other people.

When I get asked the question of what will make me happy, I usually don’t know how to respond to that.

I thought I knew.

But then I got told otherwise.

Swept From Under the Rug.

Self reflection is always a dangerous game to play.  Especially when you don’t let anyone reason with you in order to keep the self-pity and loathing at bay.

As the holidays are upon us, my personal struggle with anxiety and depression becomes even harder.  Retail employment becomes barely manageable and free time gets flooded with decorations, gift wrapping, and small talk with neighbors.

I lay in bed at night and just stare at the ceiling, unable to breathe…mainly because I have bronchitis and retail employment refuses to allow any “personal days” during the blackout months, but that’s a different issue.

As I stare and contemplate life, I find myself just being sad.  Being sad about a great many things, both personal, spiritual, intellectual, physical, etc.   Enters the thought that some people with depression have:

“I don’t have the right to be sad.”

Talking Has Adverse Effects.

Sometimes life presents you with problems that don’t make sense.  Normally we just take those problems and turn them around and brush them off because that’s what life does.  Life gives you problems.

What do we do when life gives us something different.

What if life gives you a chance to face a problem that doesn’t exist?

What if life gives you the abilities the overcome a problem that hasn’t presented itself?